(C) September 2000
Here is something I wrote one Sunday in 2000. I was feeling down and this came pouring out. Things never changed between the family of origin and myself.
September 10th, 2000
Forgive me family for I am messed up
Because of that you seem to think
I’m worthy for your alienation
I am too bothersome for you to spend time with
You do not know who I am as a person
And do not care to take the time to share
All you know is how I was in the past
That seems to have cemented your judgement upon me
I have always tried to be caring and unconditional
And only to have it misunderstood as a minus
I would have gladly freed my time to spend with you
Obviously, this is unnecessary for you
In my own realizations,
I’m finding you’re not deserving
Of all that I seem to give and never get back
For years, I’ve been taken for granted
I’ve had to bend over backwards
Not to be who I am
So that you can try and mould me
Into your expectations and who you are
In the midst of many moods and hurt
I am contemplating what I have done before
Yet, this might not be the thing
But it may do the world of good for me
Is to completely separate myself
From your ties and your realm
There is a great deal of conflict
In between us all
The family loving gal with no connection
Amongst her own blood
In the irony of it all
I shall end up with no elder blood relatives
This will be a possible choice made soon
Maybe my position in this all
Is my lowly position of BLACK SHEEP
Most of you have forsaken me
It seems that I have no value in your lives
This seems to amply all the insecurities
That I’ve felt all these years
All the hurt and pain that has torn me inside
The impositions and rejection
The judgemental views and lack of acceptance
Many hurtful words like….
“This is my sister, isn’t she pathetic”
“This is my sister, isn’t she ugly?”
“I’m going to spend time with MY FAMILY”
“Your phone calls really bother her.”
“Oh no! NOT THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!”
All I seem to you is a major inconvenience
I ask for company and your too busy to take time out
You come in my area many times a week
But will go visit my brother who lives out of your way
You offer to help me fix my place
And then it becomes a broken promise
I’m tired of hearing you talk the talk
And I’ve never seen you walk the walk
It is a rarity in your life
Sometimes your attitude towards my other siblings
Can be quite appalling to hear
“Oh he’s such a screw up! I’d wish he’d disappear
and contact this house NO MORE!”
“But his father seems to keep him around
And won’t do anything to fix him good!”
As my issues soar through my mind
I wonder why I bother to remain
When all these hurtful occurrences
Resurface and haunt me
No wonder I cry out to God
Asking him to help me
Asking for his healing faith and comfort
Turning to the church for a place to be
Trying to find like minded people
Throughout the struggles in my life
A part of me doesn’t want to be in this family
It seems like things aren’t working for me
In the sake of my own sanity
I shall go away and not remain
I guess, I understand now
How Grandma must have felt at times
When her own children couldn’t be bothered
To come out and visit
At home she sat depressed
Recoveringsage 